


Couldn't Look You In The Eyes

by NorthOfSomewhere



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Angst, Depression, Heartbreak, M/M, Mental Health Issues, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-21
Updated: 2018-12-21
Packaged: 2019-09-24 05:06:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17094455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NorthOfSomewhere/pseuds/NorthOfSomewhere
Summary: Romano's feelings for Spain are complicated.





	Couldn't Look You In The Eyes

_'Insincere or heartfelt?'_  He wants to ask Antonio, thinking about their last encounter again.  _'Do you mean what you say? Any of it? Do you? I think I love you too.'_  He knows he won't be able to summon the courage to do so. He fumbles whenever Antonio looks at him. Be it from across the conference room (Waving wildly from the doorway, grinning at him as he does in a way that makes Romano feel an odd mixture of nauseated and elated.) or when he comes over (usually uninvited) to Romano's house to those terrible wonderful times when Toni winks at him. He doesn't know how to stop it. Whenever he meets Spain's eyes, his words just spill awkwardly from his mouth, uncontrollable. Meaningless words, things he doesn't mean.

He wishes that he could be more able to go with the flow, not letting all of the little things get to him. It's one of the traits he hopes to one day share with his brother. He's...working on it. Some days, the bad ones, all he can think is that the whole thing is useless and it's pointless to try to better himself. Other days he tells that awful voice in his head to shut the fuck up and stop being such an asshole all the time. Mostly he just wants to make it so he feels normal. Is that even possible? Romano finds himself sighing and then grimacing a little because it comes out a little more...wistful than he'd like, especially in Germany's stoic presence. He glances to the front of the car to see if Germany noticed or not. He thinks he did, of course he doesn't know for sure because he doesn't make a habit of staring at Germany but it sure looks like he's very pointedly staring forward. Or perhaps he's just really paying attention to his driving, that makes sense for him. He could also be trying not to stare in the rearview mirror at Feli, who's been slumped against Romano's shoulder for the whole ride. He'd fallen asleep almost immediately upon entering the car, leaving Romano and Germany essentially alone. Not that Romano blames his brother at all, Feliciano has been having trouble sleeping lately. Plus Germany's not...the absolute worst person ever. Not that Romano would ever really say that to his face. There's still a little part of him that's nervous around him. Afraid if he were being really honest with himself. Not exactly of Germany himself anymore, more of the relationship that he has with Feli. He's good for him, they're good for each other. Romano knows that. He knows, anyone can tell that they are, but that little part of him that might not be so little at all is worried that he's not needed. He's worried that Feli doesn't care one way or the other about Romano, or worse doesn't think of him as a brother at all. He wishes he was closer with his brother. Romano sighs again and leans his head to the side, forehead touching the cool glass of the car window. It feels nice, soothing the headache he worked himself into. He lets his eyes close and finds himself falling asleep to the gentle hum of the car's engine and the wheels rolling smoothly across the asphalt.

"Feli, Romano we're here." Germany says quietly after he finishes parking his car.

Romano wakes up right away. He never sleeps well or all that heavily when he's not in his own home. He opens his eyes to see Germany gently trying to wake Feli, ruffling his hair. It's disgustingly cute and Romano is once again jealous of what they have. But he's still happy for his brother of course, if only one half of Italy gets happiness he's glad that it's his brother. Feli is still leaning against him, mumbling sleepily. His brother can fall asleep anywhere. He smiles down at him. "Hey, Feli, last one in has to buy the other one a smoothie." His brother mumbles again, but he does sit up. He rubs the sleep from his eyes, yawning, "But Roma, you always let me win!"  _'And by extension Germany.'_  Romano shrugs. "I have to maintain my coolness, ya know. Can't be seen running around like an idiot." He sends a smirk Feli's way at that last part. His brother just laughs. "Sure, brother. Keep telling yourself that!"

Romano lightly punches Feli's arm. "Hey! I'm cool."

"I know, and you know that's not what I meant. We both know the real reason you always let me win! It's because you're really a big softie!" Feli turns to Germany, swiveling so quickly the momentum shakes the car a little. "Right, Ludwig? Romano is 'secretly' a nice person?" He does finger quotes around the word secretly.

Romano quickly meets Germany's eyes in the mirror, narrowing his own. "Don't answer that." Germany clears his throat. "Uh, we better get in there. I don't want to be late."

They get out of the car. Of course Germany's managed to find a parking spot a million miles away from the building. They even have to walk across a street to get there. He lets his mind drift again as he follows behind the two of them. He can faintly hear his brother telling Germany that of course they won't be late. They never are. To be honest he's a little bit grateful for the long walk. He's not exactly excited to see Antonio. Well, he kind of is, in that he wants to see him again, but also he doesn't know what to say to him ever. Why can't it be easy? Like what his brother and Germany have?

Antonio pulls him to the side after the (long, boring as usual) meeting. "Hey Roma, want to get something to eat?" Romano sneakily (not really) glances down at where Toni has grabbed his hand. His fingers are warm. He looks back up again, heart beating somewhat faster. "What kind of question is that?" He raises an eyebrow at Antonio. "Have I ever said no to food?"

"Well..." Antonio begins.

"It was a rhetorical question, Toni. And that time was obviously an exception."  _'Shit, did I sound too harsh?'_

Antonio just nods solemnly and the result doesn't really suit him. "Of course, Roma." He squeezes his hand, intertwining their fingers very briefly before letting go. "Let's go."

Romano shoves his hands in his pockets.  _'Pfft. I didn't want to hold your hand anyway.'_  He thinks and then immediately the voice in his head calls him out.  _'Liar.'_  and then.  _'Oh god, why am I being such a loser right now.'_  Of course he doesn't say any of this out loud. What he does say is, "Where do you want to go?" He's hoping for that one little cafe he went to the last time they had a meeting here in Warsaw.

"Actually," Spain says casually. " I was thinking we could just order room service."

Romano manages to eke out an "Okay". So they end up in Romano's hotel room. He doesn't know why he's disappointed. He should be used to this.

"I love you." Antonio breathes into the crook of Romano's neck. His voice is soft and his breath is almost unbearably warm. Romano freezes. He wasn't expecting that just now. A drop of sweat marks a path down his forehead.  _'Why is it so cold in here.'_  "I know." Romano whispers, unable to speak any louder.  _'Do I know that? Why do you always do this to me?'_  He wants to, longs to open his mouth and say everything on his mind, say everything that's been building for years and years and years.  _'Oh god, I love you so much Tonio, I love you so much that it hurts not to tell you. You make everything hurt.'_  He can't tell him. He just can't. He knows how Antonio is. He knows Spain. And he knows that their love is wildly different.

Antonio doesn't say anything else after that, choosing to stay quiet for the moment. He smiles to himself though. Then he nuzzles against Romano's neck, kissing it carefully as he does.  _'Oh Roma, you're so silly.'_  He's still smiling. Eventually, Antonio lifts his head and wordlessly presses his lips to Romano's.

Spain tastes overly sweet. It's cloying, another reminder of the lows Romano will stoop to just to feel something like love. Lies frost every word that falls from his lips. Lies like: I love you, love you, love you. And that smile of his hurriedly stuck on. Romano feels like an afterthought in these moments, like a name-tag at a reunion that no one wants to be at. It stings every time though he knows it shouldn't. He should be accustomed to this. The words he says to everyone. Francis, Gilbert, Arthur.  _Ivan_. Perpetual bed-head, he wears it well.  _'I love when you leave, I drown when I'm with you.'_

The kiss. It's too soft, barely there. If it were anyone else he might describe it as sweet. This isn't. It feels like a taunt, as though Antonio is saying,  _"I know what you want and you are never going to get it."_  Romano desperately wants to pull away. Only staying out of stubborn pride. He's unwilling to show that this has shaken him. If only for a while until he can build up the walls again.  _'I hate you.'_  He thinks. It might be another lie, it might not be. He doesn't know anymore. Antonio is confusing and has always been confusing. If he thinks about it for too long it makes him feel sick to his stomach. Antonio has barely changed at all since Romano was young. Spain himself has pretty much the same while his meaning to Romano has changed from big brother to...whatever the fuck they are now.

Somewhere in the dusty curves of Romano's heart, there's a flutter.  _'No,no,no. I can't do this.'_  He feels like he might just puke, shame pulling him back to reality. He steps back. The movement is abrupt enough that it cause Spain to stumble. He catches himself quickly. His mouth is still, but the disappointed downward tilt of his lips speaks volumes.  _'I messed up again, Toni. Didn't I?'_

"Sorry." In the dim lighting of yet another hotel room, his voice is muted. Everything feels far away. He sways a little, unsteady on his feet, and he tries to breathe normally. He fails. His chest hurts. He can't quite catch his breath.  _'I'm sorry, I'm sorry, so fucking sorry.'_  He feels lightheaded now.  _'I do love you. I don't know what's wrong with me. Please don't ever leave me.'_  Black spots invade his vision and he remembers this from when he was a child. When the world would come crashing down around him in a great wave of despair and he couldn't breathe, couldn't breathe, couldn't breathe, and Spain would be there. Spain would always find him and wrap him up in his arms. And instead of feeling small and lost, he felt safe. He felt loved. Antonio was the first person to ever make him feel that. The first person to make him feel cared for. At the time he never saw his brother and his grandfather was more invested in Feli than him. He misses when he was younger and more innocent. He hates this tangled mess of uncertainty, fear, hatred, sadness, emptiness that he has become.

"It's fine." Toni says. And he's smiling, but his eyes are dark and his words are sharp. Romano can practically taste the disappointment in the air. His stomach aches with guilt as he stares at this man that he loves with an intensity that terrifies him.  _'I miss you even when you're next to me, I can't stand this anymore, please God, tell me how to not be broken.'_

He remembers the very first time that Antonio told him he loved him and that beautiful burst of foreign happiness that came with it. All he could do was stare. In wonder, that someone like Spain could want him of all people. All the while, Antonio smiling oh-so-gently at him. Something held him back from saying it in return and maybe deep down he knew. Knew that Antonio can never love just one person. He's the kind of person who loves freely, moving from person to person and back again.

That first I love you was one of the happiest days he could remember and he remembers how quickly that bursting-at-the-seams happiness was deflated when he saw Antonio with Gilbert soon after that. It's why he makes a habit of never showing up to Antonio's house. If he doesn't see it, it's marginally easier to pretend it doesn't happen.

"Let's just go to bed, Roma. There's another long day of meetings tomorrow." Spain reaches for Romano's hand. "It really is fine, Romano. Don't worry about it, okay?" His voice is so soft, as if he's being cautious. Romano nods.  _'Don't lie to me, Toni. I know I'm just a fuck-up.'_

Antonio curls towards him when they crawl into bed and he's asleep a few minutes later. Romano can't sleep. He ends up watching Spain. As always, wishing he knew what to do. "Love me, love me." He whispers to Toni's sleeping form. He watches the slow rise and fall of Spain's chest. He wonders what he's dreaming about and suddenly he's struck with that horrible dark loneliness. He sobs silently, curling his fingers around Toni's t-shirt to anchor himself.  _'I'm sorry._


End file.
